Incredibly Rich

30 People Who Ruin Christmas Every Year

atwistofpop — Mon, 24 Dec 2012 10:58:35 +0000

1. People who carefully open presents to preserve the wrapping paper.

2. People who sign Christmas cards on behalf of their pets.

3. People who adhere strictly to the circles they drew in the Radio Times.

4. People who buy Lynx Gift Sets despite having a fully functional sense of smell.

5. Carol singers. All of them. No exceptions.

6. People who go to the gym on Christmas Day.

7. People who require you to stay sober so you can drive them home later.

8. People who refuse to wear a party hat round the dinner table.

9. Hungover adults who try to stifle the joy of noisy children on Christmas morning.

10. People who boldly declare “I couldn’t eat another thing” just before dessert.

11. People who take a moment to reflect on the real meaning of Christmas.

12. People who use cracker jokes as an invitation to tell their own abominations.

13. People who choose a classic carol as their favourite Christmas song.

14. People who eat all of the orange creams in a shared tin of Quality Street.

15. People who celebrate their birthday during the festive period and complain when you can’t make their party.

16. Noel Edmonds.

17. People who don’t keep the receipt.

18. People who pronounce it “Chimley”

19. Lone parlour game enthusiasts.

20. People who take their decorations down before New Year’s Eve.

21. People who insist Robin flew away when in actual fact he laid an egg.

22. People who count the calories in their Christmas dinner.

23. Elderly relatives who kiss you on the lips.

24. People who proudly declare their Christmas shopping was completed in November.

25. People who sing politely during “Five Gold Rings” instead of shouting raucously.

26. People who suggest the modern image of Santa Claus was created by Coca-Cola.

27. People who openly mock sprouts but happily eat Twiglets.

28. Pets that refuse to wear reindeer antlers.

29. Family members who stage their laboured goodbyes during the climax of Eastenders.

30. Vegans.

Halloween Dress Code

atwistofpop — Wed, 10 Oct 2012 10:10:35 +0100

Apart from applauding Bruce Forsyth, Halloween is my favourite way to celebrate the living dead. The annual festivities provide the perfect opportunity to ditch our daily attire and push the boundaries of gruesome creativity. Yet each October we are forced to witness scores of unimaginative spangletards fucking it up royally. Don’t be one of them. Here are three simple rules to dress correctly (i.e. to my standards) this Halloween.

GOLDEN RULE #1 – IF WE HAVE TO ASK WHAT YOU ARE, YOU’VE FAILED

When you arrive at a Halloween party, guests should be able to identify your costume within seconds. Dress as a drunken pirate, psycho smurf or zombie surgeon and people can label you with ease. Should people have to ask what you are then you’ve done it wrong. It’s as simple as that. No, you’re not Clark Kent; you’re a frigid accountant in a cheap suit and lensless frames. No, you’re not a receptionist to the underworld; you’re just carrying a clipboard. And if you think you can buy just one single accessory and get away with it (yes I’m talking to you in the Scream mask) then please proceed to Gate of Shame #1 where you will be rugby tackled to the ground, wrapped in a costume chrysalis and repeatedly beaten with a glitter stick until you finally emerge as a beautiful, bejewelled butterfly.

GOLDEN RULE #2 – DO NOT DRESS PROVOCATIVELY

Should you wish to dress as an undead, knife-wielding Pamela Anderson then by all means get your tits out. But do not use Halloween as an excuse to release your inner hooker with no imagination whatsoever. A witch is an emerald villain covered in warts, not a gothic Playboy Bunny. A cat is a furry beast that spends an inordinate amount of time licking its own arsehole, not a corseted nymphomaniac with the merest suggestion of whiskers painted over nineteen layers of foundation. The spirits of our ancestors only get one night a year to roam the earth and they don’t want to spend their ethereal holiday watching you wrangle with your self-esteem issues. Show some respect to the ghouls of Hades and PUT IN SOME EFFORT.

GOLDEN RULE #3 – THE MACABRE IS A MUST

Halloween is great because the ghastly theme was preselected for you hundreds of years ago. Stray from tradition and you are essentially pissing in the face of history. But fear not, you can transform any costume into a suitably dark alternative with the simple addition of fake blood. Yes it will stain your skin for a week, but it’s better than scrubbing off the shame of a crap costume. Want to dress as a dentist? Fake blood turns you into a murderous orthodontist! Want to dress as a strawberry? Fake blood turns you into a genetically modified zombie fruit! Fail to add a grisly element to your outfit and you’ve failed to make the most of Halloween. It’s not every day you get to party with a troop of hideous hobgoblins. Unless of course you’re a member of The Wanted.

Stick to these rules and I guarantee your costume will be a success this Halloween. If all else fails, just go as Jimmy Savile and scare the shit out of everyone.

Saint Peter's Guestlist

atwistofpop — Fri, 24 Aug 2012 09:55:07 +0100

50 people who are absolutely 100% definitely not getting into heaven.

1. People who lick their thumb before turning a page

2. People who shout “Can you move down the carriage, please?”

3. People who put empty wrappers back in the chocolate box

4. People who set up a Facebook account for their pet

5. The shop assistant on Rodeo Drive who wouldn’t serve Julia Roberts

6. People who run in slow motion when they hear the Baywatch theme

7. People who hold the phone up to their mouth when using hands free

8. Cat Bin Lady

9. People who use the suffix ‘-gate’ when referring to a scandal

10. Cashiers who put the note in your hand and the change on top

11. People who wait until they reach the barriers to find their oyster card

12. Parents who let children record their outgoing voicemail message

13. The lady from the Santander advert who says “You laugh. You save. You run.
You save. You sleep. You save. You cry. You Save.”

14. People who order a salad at McDonalds

15. People who sing more than once at a karaoke night

16. People who can change bed sheets without breaking a sweat

17. Willie Lopez

18. People who eat hot food in the cinema

19. The girls involved in ‘Two Girls, One Cup’

20. People who describe their dream to you in great detail

21. People who have loud phone conversations on public transport before 9am

22. People who incessantly correct minor factual inaccuracies on Twitter

23. All the women mentioned in Mambo No. 5

24. People who assign a human name to their genitals

25. People who don’t assign a human name to their car

26. The person who taught Fred Phelps to read

27. People who are against tattoos based on the aesthetic qualities of a naked
pensioner from the future

28. People who live in Zone 9

29. People who read books when walking down the street

30. People who send messages to dead relatives via social media updates

31. James Duggan for coming round to my house on Boxing Day 1991, breaking my
brand new Gameboy by ‘accidentally’ pouring Fanta inside it, then brazenly
denying any responsibility when he quite clearly opened the can with
malicious intent

32. Chuggers

33. People who use the phrase ‘let’s touch base’

34. People who say “www dot” when giving out a web address

35. Absolutely everyone involved in the Showbiz section of the Mail Online

36. People who describe themselves as “the fun one”

37. People who put their socks on before their underwear

38. Team Followback

39. People who pronounce it “HOM-o-sexual”

40. People who wash dishes before putting them in the dishwasher

41. People who denote a Yorkshire accent by putting t’ in front of words

42. You. If the atheists are right.

43. People who don’t appreciate the magnificence of Grease 2

44. Women who dress as sexy cats for Halloween

45. People who let out an audible sigh when sipping tea

46. People who retweet their Follow Fridays

47. Couples that poo in front of each other

48. People who buy non-squeezy bottles of Ketchup

49. People who specify their holiday location in their Out of Office

50. Alexandra Burke’s stylist

London Tourist Guide

atwistofpop — Thu, 26 Jul 2012 12:07:41 +0100

Visiting London during the Olympics? Here are some handy travel tips for first-time tourists.

Oyster Cards are notoriously shy creatures. Do not present them to the yellow touch pad immediately. Instead, stand as close as you can to the barrier and rummage around in your bag for a while to prepare the card for use. The card will malfunction if you touch the pad too soon so take as long as possible to find it.

The London Underground derives all its power from counting. When travelling by tube, please ensure you audibly count the number of tube stations left until your destination. There is a direct correlation between your volume and the speed of the train.

When walking along Oxford Street it is customary to stop suddenly and without warning. This is a crowd control exercise and prevents huge groups of shoppers from picking up speed and causing accidents. Please take a momentary pause to ensure the crowd behind you are forced to slow down.

Londoners are a friendly bunch and love nothing more than an unexpected chat with a stranger. Take every opportunity to stop them for a gossip, particularly if they look busy or stressed. The light relief of forced conversation will make their day.

Londoners tend to socialise with friends during the Monday morning rush hour. If you want to fit in, please visit Liverpool Street station between 8am and 9am with as many friends as possible and clump together in large, noisy groups. Bring alcohol and suitcases.

Pay no attention to the signs which read ‘STAND ON THE RIGHT’. These are left over from the Victorian era when William Gladstone used escalator positioning to identify witches. If someone asks you to move, tell them you don’t believe in their superstitious nonsense.

Use the Buckingham Palace flag system to locate the Queen. If the flag is flying high then the Queen is definitely in a building somewhere. If the flag is flying half-mast it means the Queen is probably around but we can’t find her at the moment. If the flag isn’t flying at all it means the Queen has died and you should go buy some flowers.

London Buses are powered solely by flash photography. Power points can be found across the city in the form of red telephone boxes. If you wish to travel by bus, please ensure you have your photograph taken in a red telephone box first.

Finally, Londoners are equipped with fantastic language skills so please don’t make the effort to talk to us in English. We can understand you just fine.

Welcome to London. Enjoy your stay.

The Urban Olympics

atwistofpop — Thu, 19 Jul 2012 13:32:40 +0100

For the vast majority of our population, the chances of crossing a finish line in front of a worldwide audience of millions are slim to none. But that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t participate in the Olympics this year as a competitor. With the whole of London decorated in ceremonial propaganda, the city is already prepped to be your stadium, the streets are your track and your day-to-day routine is primed for you to display your athletic prowess.

Here are my Top 10 suggestions for becoming an Urban Olympian.

1. Long Jump

When travelling by tube, stand with your back flat against the platform wall. You must make it onto the train in one giant leap before the doors close.

2. Slalom

Starting at Liberty, you must make it all the way down Carnaby Street as fast as you can without being stopped by a chugger.

3. Hurdles

Don’t top up your Oyster for two weeks and jump the barriers every morning. Immediate disqualification if you fall or get caught.

4. Tennis

Leave a message on your friend’s phone. When they call back, let it go to voicemail so they leave you a message. Repeat this process for a few hours.

5. Triple Jump

Go to Starbucks and order a caramel macchiato. You must order, pay and collect in only three steps.

6. Track Cycling

Wear a lot of fluorescent neon and just go round and round Elephant & Castle for a few hours.

7. Greco-Roman Wrestling

Go to the Primark at Marble Arch on a Saturday afternoon. Obtain five items of clothing directly out of a customer’s basket.

8. Weightlifting

Meet a group of yummy mummies in a North London Costa on a weekday morning. Bring a double buggy and try to find somewhere inside to park it.

9. Dressage

Flag down a rickshaw, give the driver a French plait and cover him in fancy ribbons

10. Boxing

Stand outside Stamford Bridge football ground in an Arsenal Shirt and make out with another bloke.

Don’t be a spectator this summer. Be an Urban Olympian.

Dirty Dancing Is Brilliant

atwistofpop — Fri, 22 Jun 2012 10:07:26 +0100

I firmly believe that the cosmos as we know it, whether whispered into existence by a bearded wizard in the sky or by a troop of drunken elements throwing a disco, was created for the sole purpose of bringing Dirty Dancing to humankind. All life that followed this momentous occasion is purely coincidental and should be spent enjoying said event.

A tad overzealous perhaps, but the point I’m trying to make here is that Dirty Dancing is the GREATEST MOVIE OF ALL TIME. Surprisingly, Empire magazine doesn’t agree and didn’t even include it in their Top 500. Instead, they plumped for ‘timeless classics’ such as Shaun of the Dead and School of Rock. Whilst these films are obviously entertaining, if you were to pit them against the cultural behemoth of Dirty Dancing they would be beaten within an inch of their lives until Jack Black and Simon Pegg are but pleading bruises underneath a fancy sequined heel. And this is why.

It isn’t the raunchy choreography, the phenomenal soundtrack or the sight of Patrick Swayze’s back muscles rippling around the room like a bag of randy Frisbees. No, no. What makes Dirty Dancing so great is Dr. Jake Houseman, Baby’s dad and the sexiest father to ever grace the silver screen. Throughout the film he commands such authority that I’m surprised large chunks of storyline aren’t dedicated to him constantly fending off the advances of amorous holiday makers. The film even opens with him driving a sexy car down a sexy highway with the sexy wind blowing through his sexy hair. Oh god, the man is perfection. Amongst his many faultless qualities are his exceptional golf skills, his dress sense (snazzy yet formal) and the fact he always carries around a massive bag of medical stuff just in case his expertise is called upon. He magically fixes Penny-the-Rockette after her disastrous date with a DIY abortionist, he cries on a porch whilst staring wistfully across a calm lake (swoon) and he manages to convince both of his daughters he loves them equally, despite Lisa being the human equivalent of a rancid kiwi fruit. WHAT MORE COULD YOU WANT IN A MAN?

Hands off, bitch.

Anyway, Dr. Jake really comes into his own when he dances the merengue in the gazebo. Of all the people learning the routine, Penny-the-former-Rockette singles out Dr. Jake immediately and gives him a look which says “Despite your sandals/socks combo, you are giving me a serious case of the fanny gallops right now”. She throws him around the decking and the crowd watch in adoration as he demonstrates flawless technique. Penny eventually has to end the class lest his tsunami hips cause a riot amongst the fired up pensioners. I’m fairly certain my own sexual awakening came about as a direct result of this scene.

Later in the film, Dr. Jake incorrectly assumes Johnny impregnated Penny-the-former-Rockette with his leather-clad mambo-sperm. As an audience, we are supposed to think badly of this judgement and be won over by his subsequent apology. This infuriates me as I was Team Jake from the start and didn’t need this extraneous subplot to confirm my love for him. In his defence, all Dr. Jake did was piece together the available information and come to a perfectly reasonable conclusion. Any one of us would have done the same. Johnny decides to blow this out of all proportion though and spins the situation into his own emotional drama, ultimately revealing that he was only trying to please Dr. Jake because of his own daddy issues. Yes Johnny, Dr. Jake is the epitome of awesome, but that’s no reason to hijack the latter third of the film to deal with your own history of neglect. Just get on with the dancing and stop wasting our time.

Don’t cry, babes.

Eventually Johnny does get on with the dancing, thus creating the most iconic dance sequence ever committed to film. Everyone knows the song; everyone knows the infamous line that precedes it and everyone has attempted the lift at some point (I once tried to lift a close friend whilst inebriated on a concrete roof. It did not end well.) Despite the choreography being an exact repeat of the routines performed at the Sheldrake and the ‘Love Man’ scene, the joy of seeing Baby finally mastering the lift and surprising her parents with an unexpected performance is enough to provide an entire nation of women with stonking lady-boners. I cannot even begin to count the number of times I’ve watched that dance. It gets me every time.

However, the scene is ruined by Baby’s mother who casually interrupts to declare “I think she gets this from me.” Erm… I THINK NOT, LADY WHOSE NAME I CAN’T RECALL. Did you not see your husband on the gazebo? Even with his lumbering gait and odd shoe choice he managed to out-dance everyone there. Baby is a sensational dancer because she inherited her FATHER’S epic sense of rhythm. Not yours. Count yourself lucky you bagged a man as wondrous as Dr. Jake. Also, your hair is terrible.

Baby can’t quite believe just how good her father looks in a plain white tee.

Awful wife aside, Dr. Jake made some pretty great choices in life. Not only are his trousers tight enough to make even the Pope weep with lust, he took his family to the Catskills and unwittingly orchestrated the greatest dance routine of all time. Team this with his masculine hands (and ability to pull off a sweater vest in the summer) and you will understand why this man has forever secured himself a place in movie history and, more importantly, my heart. An accolade Pegg and Black can only dream of.

(N.B. The only minor issue I have with Dr. Jake is that he was portrayed by Jerry Orbach, the very same man who voiced Lumière the candlestick in Beauty & the Beast. If he can sing that well, it is beyond me why he didn’t perform in the end-of-season show. The staff could have dressed up as various kitchen utensils and staged a 60s version of Be Our Guest. IT’S A FUCKING HOTEL! THE SETUP WAS PERFECT! It’s irrelevant that the two films were years apart. Logic isn’t important in a world where watermelons are a key plot device.)